Friday, February 7, 2014

Carry On

This week has been really hard for me so this may seem like a really depressing post, but I have my highs and my lows just like anyone. I'm feeling totally fine now!

Monday I slept through spin class and didn't end up doing anything else which always makes me depressed. Well, maybe not always, but I do tend to get depressed without a workout for the day.

I may have a small problem...

But anyway, Tuesday I made up for it by having 3 workouts! It actually wasn't to make up for anything, it was just all stuff I wanted to do.

The Zumba/Ripped class that I love is on Tuesdays so I went to that, then I went for a run outside after the kids got home from school. It even snowed a little for me while I ran so that was lovely. I did fartleks which was fun and made me happy with my time!

I was feeling good!

Later that evening the news came out that the president of the LDS church was being ordered to appear in a British court for fraud. WHAT!? I know, I don't want to be affiliated with this church anymore so why do I care? I don't know.

I anxiously watched facebook to see what all my Mormon friends and family would say. I thought it would be all over and that people would be outraged or at least interested in this story. Well, I was wrong. There was nothing. Silence. I don't know why this bothered me so much! I figured maybe the news just hadn't gotten to everyone yet so I just tried to brush it off.

Then I went to the climbing gym with Pete that night to get ready for our upcoming trip to Vegas! That was another good workout! We worked on endurance by doing 4 burns on the treadwall which is like a treadmill but with climbing holds on it. It's really hard! I'm so excited for our trip though!!

Wednesday morning I couldn't stand the silence anymore so I simply linked to the USA Today article about it on Facebook just because maybe people hadn't heard about it or something. Well this article isn't very fair to what the case actually is so I guess I asked for it, but I got a couple responses about how stupid this was and how this guy must be a raving lunatic. That really stung, because I feel the same way as him about the church. I tried to clarify what the case is about, and that it's not stupid. I felt very troubled all day because of this. Not just because of the comments I got, but also just feeling so sick and confused at the fact that members of the church (with a few exceptions) won't even talk about it other than to brush it off and say it's stupid. Putting my opinion out there like that and being so vulnerable just made me feel so depressed all day. (And here I am doing it again, I told you, I'm crazy!)

I did go swim, but I was really sore so I took it pretty easy, and it only seemed to deaden the pain for a little while and it was back in full force by the evening. I tried to be rational and not get so angry, but it's really hard and I was having a hard time dealing with the kids and dinner with all this going on in my mind. When Pete got home, he made mac and cheese for the kids, took me out to a really nice dinner and gave me someone to talk to which helped immensely! (I'm SO glad Mindy's old enough to babysit now!)

Then, when we got home, he got me all set up on reddit so I can now read the exmormon subreddit (instead of obsessing over Facebook) which is my new favorite thing! It really helps me not feel so alone. I'm also obsessed with the Mormon Expression Voices Podcast which is people telling their stories about their lives in the church and leaving. I listened to one today about the girl who normally is the host and her story is just so heartbreaking (but it does have a happy ending!) so I would encourage you to listen to it if you're at all interested and you get the chance.

I really hope something is done to help people like her in the church, and anyone else who doesn't fit into the mold that they give us. Maybe this whole fraud charge will help with that.

Thursday was better, but I was still pouring over any information I could get about the charges. I went for a run and had this thought that if I ran fast enough, maybe I would stop caring about it! Well, I did my fastest run since I've been back - 3 miles in 29 minutes with my middle mile being just over 9:00 pace! Woot! My worries didn't go away, but I did feel a lot better!

Today the people behind the summons came out with a statement that I thought was wonderful and really explained what it is about. I seriously felt the spirit when I read it. :) So my day started off much better right from the start.

Then I headed to the gym where I got to lead spin class!

Well, actually my music did.

After sitting there spinning in silence ("that was cutting like knives in a fist fight" haha) and waiting for the instructor for 20 minutes, I volunteered to go plug my music in. Everyone agreed and we ended up having a really good, hard workout! I don't really have any easy songs on my running play list! :) It actually worked out perfectly because some songs were fast and some were more building - perfect for hill climbing. I just sat in my normal spot so there wasn't really anyone leading, but I got several compliments on my music and I did shout out a few suggestions during some of the songs! I will make sure to always bring my music just in case this happens again in the future. (Secretly I'd actually like to try out being a spin instructor sometimes.)

We finished off with "Carry On" by Fun. I love that song so much, and I want to just put down some of my favorite parts of the lyrics:

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.

Carry on, carry on

This line also hits me really hard:

My head is on fire but my legs are fine.
After all they are mine.

It just reminds me that for one thing, though I have a gazillion thoughts going through my head, my legs are amazing and they can do amazing things, and they are MINE! I also see it as meaning, that we own our legs and we can make them go in whatever direction we choose. No one can control what we do, except for us. I think that's an important thing to remember.

And also, just carry on.


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